It’s 1:55 AM right now, of December 10, 2016. So my dream was technically ‘yesterday’.
So yeah, yesterday I dreamed of BTS members. At first, my dream was about me escaping my mom from a crowd, and she got really mad of course, but next part of it was me approaching BTS and asking if they saw my mom.
It was like this:
Me: Successfully escaped my mom in a crowded basketball court like place, the place was really full of people and I
forgot don’t know why. Me as a Socially hater awkward, No, no, me as a human that have social anxiety and really hates crowded tight places, I did all that I can do to escape my mom and find a quiet, peaceful place. And yeah, I succeeded on that. Good job, Me. /pats self; but when everything is over and I had to go home, my mom texted me that she went home already, or about to go home and that’s when I panicked. The main reason is I don’t have the money for the fare to go home. And also knowing me, who never gets Prepaid Cellphone load for myself because no one texts me anyway, i cannot text my mom and tell her that I don’t have money so I can’t go home, so don’t leave me behind, please I beg you.
I crazily panicked and gets into the parting sea of people looking for my one and only mother ♥. I remember in my dream, I was desperately searching everywhere for my mom, until I found my self in the “back stage” and I saw some Kpop Idols getting ready to go home because the thing that is happening is over. So i bumped into the members of BTS and I remember it was Jungkook who I saw first, and I went to ask him, “have you seen my mom?” he shook his head and told me he didn’t. So I went to the other members, I remember Jin asking me for a high five, I did but I also asked him the same thing, and he didn’t quiet heard it I guess, so I asked him again, in my broken Korean, “내 어머니가 봤어요?” he said no, and then.. I remember asking him, where are they going. No answer, I just followed them in their van. I went in, and I remember I did asked them again where they were going, but still, I got no answers.
And then a girl went and handed an envelope, Jimin took it and they all started to look… weird? i thought, what’s wrong with a letter? Fans give Idols letters, right? But– the look on their faces clearly says there’s something wrong. Curious, I took the envelope and opened it. It was indeed a letter- a full of hate letter. From my understandings, She was saying lots of hate stuffs to Suga, she was once an ARMY, once. And that was because Suga is dating some Idol and he’s hiding it. On the letter includes a proof that Suga and this Idol is dating. (I didn’t clearly see the female Idol in my dream.) I read through the letter and I looked at them, especially Suga, their looks was full of disappointment and sadness, I don’t know if It was because the former ARMY’s accusations were true, or because they’re sad because Suga is being accused for something that’s not true. i don’t know– but basing on my dream, Suga indeed looked the most disappointed and sad.
I woke up right after seeing his face.
I stayed on my bed, and start thinking,
What If that happened in real life?
What would my reaction will be?
Will I be like the “Former ARMY” that gave all her feelings and thoughts on the letters?
Will I get mad as well?
Suga is not my bias in BTS, but-
You know, they are my boys. I have loved them ever since they just made a debut, literally just 2 weeks after their debut, I found them via friend and I got hooked.
I vowed to love and protect them until i can.
Then I thought, Am I even allowed to get mad on the first place?
I’m just their Fan. Just a Fan. The most heartbreaking fact. “Just” a “Fan”
It’s been a day, and I still don’t know the answer.
I don’t want to just say,
“Oh I’ll be happy for him, If he’s happy, I’m happy too.”
I don’t know, It’s like- that’s what I should feel, but I felt like I was lying to my self. I’m being plastic and saying some bullshits. And I don’t have a problem about the other ARMYs that would have that as first reaction (If the thing in my dream comes true) but for me, It’s just not it. I’m in between having my reaction as the generic reaction of any fan, and being also hurt- because somehow, I know in every fan’s heart. I know for sure, they have once dreamed of being their boy’s girl. I do, You do, every fan do. I know. And again, if you’re a fan and you’re completely and genuinely okay with your man dating, then- I don’t know, You are an angel that the world of fandom needs? I don’t know.
I wanna post it here. So If one day and it happens, or I get to see this post again, maybe i’ll be able to answer it truthfully, genuinely without the feeling of lying and being plastic to my self.
Hhhmm. That’s all!
I listened/Watched Jessica’s Music Video of Wonderland, Fly and Love me the same in between writing this. They were awesome! As I have commented on Wonderland’s Music Video, Jessica was never my bias before when she was still in Girls’ Generation, but I’m beginning to love her now, and It feels awesome. Her songs makes me happy for some reason.
Ended. 2:44 AM
[ m m b x k n j ]